1. YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name):
Genevieve Wiley (I have to use the St Catherines street name otherwise, it'd be 139 Ave)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/mother on your dad's side and your favourite candy):
Eugenia Eatmore (I never knew my dad's mom's name. This sounds like more of a porn name)

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name):
N-Piot

4. YOUR GAMER TAG (a favourite colour, a favourite animal)
Orange Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in)
Genevieve Edmonton (another version is the middle name and the area in the city in which you grew up - Genevieve Laurier)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of your pet's name)
Nic Nko Dex

7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards):
Eveiveneg Okniep

8. PORN STAR NAME (first pet's name, the street you grew up on):
Dexter 85 Avenue

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favourite colour and the automobile your dad drives)
Orange Nissan

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)
Fool Du Leche

So the Saturday of the Labour Day long weekend, my boss sits me down at the end of the day and tells me that she's not planning on hiring me as her assistant next season because "she would like to give someone else the opportunity to grow". I say bullshit. She said it had nothing to do with my work or anything, but she just wanted to give my job to someone else. What the fuck you say? I agree. I went to our Shop Steward a few days later and told her this as well. She's also thought "What the fuck?".

My boss saw me coming out of our Steward's area and all of a sudden told me how much she respected me and how great my work was and that if I ever want work that I would be first on her list to call when they needed more help.

Fuck off.

I'm not going to stand by and accept the fact that you're an asshole for firing me in this way (which she probably doesn't have the right to do anyway) and secondly, I'm not going to run and accept any bone that you throw me. I told her that the solution is to take some night classes and change careers.

I worked at this career for 18 fucking years and I've been working in that building since I was 14. Some micromanaging, miserable, bitch decides she doesn't like me and this ends my scenic painting career. Seriously. It's not like I can get work anywhere else in town that's going to pay me as well and any other work is out of town and out of province. If I go to any other union, then I start at the bottom of the barrel.

I'm going to change over to photography. I know that's where I need to go anyway. I'd just rather do this on my own terms, not anyone else's.

I'm realizing that I haven't posted in months. Life has seriously gone from zero to sixty in the last little while. With work, with Andy. Everything. It's taken a little bit for me to get used to being a guardian (I won't say step-mom yet) to Andy's kids every two weeks. But they're getting a lot more relaxed around me, especially Jacob (Olivia didn't take long at all). And I look forward to seeing them every other weekend.

Except, as per usual, this month, I'm so stupidly busy that I can't see them pretty much at all.

That's gonna change really soon because as of the end of this month, Andy's officially moving in. We're going to pool our resources together to be able to buy a house or a condo together. My 1 bedroom condo is small for the two of us... nevermind when the kids come over.

It's exciting, it's terrifying all at the same time. In the end, it feels right. I love having him here. He can't fall asleep in my bed without me. When I was in Calgary a week and a bit ago, he could only get a restful sleep on the couch.

This last couple of weeks has been absolutely mental. I've taken on a fringe show on top of all this other freelance work. All in all, the work is overly consuming my life. This week, Andy's working 12 hour days, so that means that I get a kiss from him when he leaves for work at 5:15am, and I get to snuggle with him for about 20 minutes when I get home from rehearsal. He still can't fall asleep without me, so I laid down with him until he fell asleep. It gave me some time to be with him, so that made me happy.

I look forward to having some time off so that I can.... i dunno... do my taxes.

Andy and I hooked up a couple of weeks ago. This last weekend was our third weekend together. It's pretty darn incredible. I've finally found someone who's not only a friend, but a lover and a confidante. He supports me 100% in what I do and wants to do everything he can to help me succeed. We are both looking forward to growing as individuals with each other.

He passed the Mom test.

way to fricking hilarious.

I'm in Ft. Mac right now. I'll be here for another week. I tried finding a coffee shop where I can sit down in peace and make some notes in my journal. There are two (2) Starbuckeses. They're both in Safeways. There are two (2) Tim hortons that are insanely busy at all times. I didn't want to sit in Tims, so I ended up sitting at the Starbucks... at the end of the line of checkouts at Safeway. That just puts the Ass in Class.

Then my eye was drawn to the print at the bottom of my cup: "Caution, the beverage that you are about to enjoy is extremely hot."

FUCK RIGHT OFF. Don't tell me that I have to enjoy this overpriced shite that you're selling me.

I still cannot believe what our society has come to. Some wanker decides to pour hot coffee all over themselves and it burns them. Guess what?? IT'S COFFEE. Coffee is a HOT BEVERAGE. You're blaming someone else for your own stupidity? AND THEY'RE COMPENSATING YOU FOR IT?

Where is Darwin when we need him? I'm sorry, but the with the medical system the way it is now, we're saving too many stupid people. The thing that's even worse is that THEY'RE THE ONES WHO ARE BREEDING LIKE RABBITS. (Do I really need to clarify that that statement doesn't apply to any friends that may read this?)

I should have that phrase on a t-shirt: "Caution, the person who you are about to enjoy is extremely hot."

hilarious.

I haven't posted in a while. I've also been out of town for quite a bit lately. I'm finally home after about two weeks of not being here.

First was Calgary, which was fine. I got to work into the wee hours of the morning. The only great thing about that is all the overtime i earned after midnight. Then I came home for about a day and then I was off to Vancouver, then jumped into a car to go to Seattle. That was an awesome trip. I only knew Shan, but her friends were pretty cool as well, and we all got along great. It was a pleasure to travel stress-free. We walked around SO MUCH. It was great.

Got back to Vancouver and had a couple of relaxing days. Which is good because then I don't spend money. Well, I bought ONE more jacket, but that was it. Shan's such a bad influence on me. Especially the drinking. It's HER fault that I kept on making mojitos! HONESTLY!

We had an Edmonton Ex-Pat reunion at a restaurant last monday. (SO AWESOME TO SEE shiny_gal!) I've realized how big a group of friends I now have in Vancouver. I've been saying that I want to move away from Edmonton for quite some time now, and they're now encouraging me to move out to Vancouver. I just may do that.

I'm going to start looking into possibilities of joining their local and get an idea of what kind of status I can get with their union, or if I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN with my work.

I've been finding my life to be a little drab and tasteless for my liking as of late. I feel like I want to spread my wings and fly, but it is only me who's holding myself back.

One of the things that I didn't mention in my last post was that Barb said to me that now that I have been able to expel that negative ball and heal myself, that I would encounter all sorts of attention from guys, without my needing to really do anything.

Boy is she right.

Now, if only I can use these powers for good... I mean evil... really, I mean good... and maybe a little evil.

Today was totally brilliant. I woke up with the sunshine. I had boundless energy. I did a bunch of yoga and stretches, etc. I went to my chiropractor and he pounded on my back and neck until everything was back in line. Then I went to my reflexologist. She ended up doing reiki on me today. I told her that my energy has been like a manic swarm of bees as of late and my emotional state seemed to reflect that. We ended up zeroing in on one thing in particular that I've been finding to be more and more of a block for me. That's my distrust in guys. It all stems from a Super Crap experience I had with a boyfriend in high school. Needless to say, he was abusive in more ways than one. (Because of the public nature of blogs, I won't go into detail here, but I am ready to talk about this openly now.) That relationship that I had with Jeff a year and a bit ago made the memories of that evil dragon rear its ugly head.

Finally today, with Barb's help, I literally grasped onto that ball of fear and hucked it away to kingdom come. I couldn't believe it. It was AWESOME. Barb helped me with filling the hole that was left behind with love and light and then proceeded to remove some shields and shackles that I have mentally built on myself. I left her place feeling so fantastic, I couldn't believe it.

The rest of the night was great at work. I went out afterwards with some colleagues and it was just absolutely pleasant. I have to bottle this feeling and save it for a rainy day.

Oh, did I mention that I also won tickets to see Quartango today as well?

This weather's gettin' me down. I totally have the winter blues. I've cooped myself up in my condo today and haven't even bothered to venture outside. Part of me is glad that I've taken a day to myself, another part of me is disappointed in myself that I didn't do more (ie: go down to the gym, or clean my place, etc.)

I DID, however, cook up a storm today and made some extremely yummy food, so that will last me the next few days.

I've also been thinking over analyzing my recent relationships that I've had over the last little while. Ever since my relationship with Jeff, I've had to deal with some pretty huge demons from my past that are still rearing their ugly head. It's making my trust in guys diminish more and more. It seems that every guy I date just proves to me that I need to approach every relationship more and more cautiously. I'm starting to think that I'm getting scared to even get into a relationship now. I don't know. I think I'm talkin' out of my ass, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

I so rarely remember my dreams that when I actually DO dream, I know that it's something important. I definitely remember my dream from last night. I was riding my mountain bike up a shallow incline, and I was riding next to this Chinese woman. I was trying to get ahead of her, but try as I might, I couldn't. I didn't know this person in the dream. I finally get past her and I'm heading to West Edmonton Mall (which isn't really WEM). I start up this ramp and then suddenly my bike veers off the sidewalk and then, I fall over this ledge towards the concrete that's about 30-40 feet down. I'm falling to my death. "That sucks" I think to myself in the dream, "I guess that's it then." I close my eyes in the dream and relax and wait for the impact.

That's when I woke up, rather freaked out.

I'm in Save-on, getting some Roma tomatoes and all of a sudden, I hear "Are you an artist". It's this older, slightly rough looking older fellow. I was in my work clothes and I make a bit of a smart answer and say "what was your first guess? all the paint splatters?" He said: "I can see it in your eyes."

Interesting.

He goes on to saying that he's a musician... At that point, I stop him. This guy taught me guitar lessons when I was a teenager. This guy is Ma Fletcher. I pointed at him and said "You're Ma Fletcher. You taught me the two most important things: Alice's Restaurant and the 12 bar blues." I think that he was a little taken aback that I actually knew him. We had a quick chat about what it's like to make ends meet when you're an artist. I told him that it's a really great thing that he's teaching guitar again. He's a really amazing musician.

It was really bizarre running into him. I haven't seen him since I was 16 when I took the lessons from him. He really hasn't changed too much except that there's slightly less fire in his eyes than there is in the photos of him when he was younger (on his site). I guess that's what you get when you have to give up your passion for some time while you have to pay the bills.

As per usual, things are manic in my life. Always chasing my tail. I'm convinced that it's the only way that I seem to operate now, so I'm just running with it.
Last weekend, I shot a wedding, then I had a photoshoot the next day, then back to work, then getting sick, then trying to do all I can to get better so that I can start another detox. Whee! Rince, recycle, repeat!

One thing threw me for a huge loop a couple of days ago... I was taking the bus home and one of my ex-boyfriends got on the bus at GMCC downtown. I hadn't seen him since I broke up with him a year ago December. I know that he lives near me, and the fear of him realizing that I was on the bus and god forbid we get off at the same stop, had me so struck with anxiety that I got off the bus 20 BLOCKS early. I got some tea from Steeps and then walked home. I was so sick, but I knew that I was at least safe and away from him. I can't believe that I was hit that hard with anxiety just by his presence on the bus.

I know that I'm still dealing with getting over certain events in my life, and I need to heal my huge distrust of men. It will happen. I'm working on it, bit by little bit. I haven't stopped taking the bus, but it does worry me that he may get on the same bus again in the future.

So this year was pretty typical for christmas with my various families. I had some really awesome Romanyshyn family time before xmas. Solstice was good. I had a couple of engagements to go to that night, and they were both really fantastic.

I did, however, find out that my father has prostate cancer.

I've chosen to finish with the main dieting part of this Bernstein thing and move on to the maintenance. I've been fighting with a lot of things this last week (shortness of breath, extreme coldness, fatigue). I could always tell when my body isn't absorbing my potassium suppliment very well because the shortness of breath or the coldness would get worse. My body has also been going into a early menstrual cycle and flip flopping back and forth every few days and that's also been hard to deal with.

I kept on getting so frustrated because my body wouldn't go down below 165lbs. Then I finally smartened up... I'm looking at my body, thinking, hey, I fit into 9/10 pants and medium tops. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO BE ANY THINNER? Why does losing weight to 160lbs mean to fricking much. Take the broader look and realize that you look so awesome RIGHT NOW. STOP TORTURING YOURSELF AND EAT SOME MEAT, DUMBASS.

So i did.

I made the decision to move to maintenance on Friday and that night, I drove straight to my butcher and bought a bunch of steaks, chicken and cheese. I got home, ate a slice of low fat mozza and nearly orgasmed, it tasted SO INCREDIBLY GOOOOOOD.

I can now introduce a bunch of other foods into my diet, some are unlimited (like certain veggies) and some veggies are new, like the chicken avocado salad (with salsa) that I had tonight. Again... SOOO amazingly good. I'm learning to love the taste of foods and it's pleasing me to no end. That's the one thing that I think that people take for granted. You take something out of your diet for over 2 months and then reintroduce it and it's so bloody incredible.

I'm now only 5.6lbs away from my goal. My body stalled for yet another week and the doctor said today that that's typical of women's bodies just because our bodies liking keeping the fat, etc. It finally feels like full steam ahead again.

I am FINALLY enjoying clothing again. It's such a change between this and when you're a big girl. When I was 225lbs, I shopped at "Tent and Awning" stores where I felt like I should be ashamed of my body. Everything was ill fitting, overly large and long. Horrible.

Now, I can finally fit into all those clothes I dearly wanted to fit in. Now the only thing holding me back is my pocketbook.

I absolutely LOVE the way I look. I didn't get rid of all the curves. They are meant to stay. I did, however, shed my low self-confidence.

I also seemed to have shed my crappy ass boyfriend. Well, until yesterday, he wasn't crappy ass. He was actually quite wonderful until I found out that he lied to me... AGAIN.

I'd like to think that when someone posts their stats on an online dating site, you should generally take those as true. I usually question the 'body type' category until I actually see them in person. On our second date, he kisses me and I taste cigarette smoke on his breath. He stated on his profile that he was a non-smoker. After asking me if I would have contacted him in the first place if he said he was a smoker, I responded with a big ass "no way". He said he'd quit. Whatever. Do what you need.

Yesterday, he met up with me on my dinner break from work. He said to me that he's not actually 37, like it said on his profile, but that he's 39. I know that some people don't believe in horoscope mumbo jumbo, but it always seems to come true for me. If he was in fact 37, he'd be a Dog in Chinese horoscope and that's a total WOO YAY! Since, he's 39, that makes him a Monkey and that's a REALLY BAD THING for me as a Tiger. If i had known to begin with that he was 39, again I wouldn't have contacted him in the first place.

I told him today that my issue wasn't that he was older than he said, it was that he LIED to me. He tried to say that it wasn't lying, but it was more like a typo. I don't buy it. I told him that I cannot trust him and that I have such IMMENSE trust issues, and no wonder. He just kept on denying that he lied, and then just walked out.

SMELL YA LATER. Don't need that shit in my life. Monkeys throw poo and their shit stinks. (addendum: I know Shiny's a Monkey, but she doesn't count in this analogy)

I'm now about 7lbs away from achieving my goal weight. When all is said and done, I'll have lost 38lbs. I must say that I'm feeling mighty bloody fantastic the way things look now, but I know that you always gain a little weight back, so I'm going down a little more so that I can stabilize at this weight.

The thing that I've found most fascinating is how more people look at me now. Maybe because that's because I've gained a TON of self confidence on this crazy ride that I've taken. But I think that there's also an element of invisibility when you're overweight. What I mean by that is that because you're larger than the average bear, people just ignore you. When you're thin, then all of a sudden people look. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm in my work grubbies or dressed up, it's the same reaction.

I used to crave the extra attention when I was overweight. Now I want strangers to mind their own bloody beeswax. I'm not here for show and tell. It's just interesting.

Now, however, I really want to help other people become healthier. Apparently some people said that they were "inspired" by me, that's great, but I want to help them actualize THEIR own goals. I've been around the block. I've tried a number of different methods to lose weight. I have an inkling of what works (for me anyway). I'm not trying to say everyone should do exactly what I do, but if you need a helping hand, I'm here to offer a helping hand.

My father emailed me today with an update to his health. It doesn't really sound all that good. He's apparently been diagnosed with Parkinsons, but he doesn't feel any better on the meds. He is also supposed to have an appointment with a urologist because of some flags that rose with a recent blood test.

I don't know how I feel about this because I'm just not emotionally connected to my father in any way. I mean, I don't even recognize him in photographs. That's how emotionally detached I am. I am finding it hard to feel any kind of sympathy towards his concerns.

When I was a kid and needed his attention, he would just push me away and tell me to leave him alone. Now he wants the attention from me and I just don't feel he deserves any. Especially none beyond a formal recognition of his troubles, and that's about it.

I'm troubled because I am feeling and reacting this way, but on the flip side, I really don't know of any other way to deal with my father.

Wow. I have the feeling this week is going to be an intense week for me. Mom's decided to "fix" my life again and suggested that I get some storage cabinets. She's pitching cash to help make it happen. Lucky for me, I also believe that I need a lot more storage in my place. My rooms are big, and there's so much wasted space here. I went to Ikea and bought a Pax wall system. My storage cupboard are going to be 9'wide and 8' tall and just over 1' deep. HUGE. It's going to live in my bedroom. I also bought a new dresser to open up more space in my bedroom closet. I'm going to have to take my old dresser back to Mom's. It's going to have to go into storage and wait for me to get a larger space.

I've decided that this week is going to be one of organization of space and of life.

I went to see Barb (my reflexologist) today. It was an incredible visit. My head is swimming of all things Montreal right now. I'm trying to figure out the logistics of moving out there for the summer. I need to either find someone to rent my place while I'm gone, or to figure out a way to have my mortgage covered while I'm out there. I'm full of fear and trepidation about the whole process because there's so much to get organized. I have a list of theatres to contact in Montreal, so I need to get my resume and portfolio ready and submit it to the correct people out there. I've figured that I'm not going to head out unless I have some kind of work lined up before hand. One week of work will probably not get me out there very quickly. If I get a month's worth of work then I will probably head out. I just feel the need to stretch my wings and do something totally different.

I am feeling the need to learn and to grow and to get myself to that next level of being, whatever that is.

In the session with Barb (who's clairvoyant), I asked her if she has any abilities to talk to people who have passed away. My grandmother (Babcia in polish) entered my thoughts yesterday, and I was hoping that Barb could help me say HI as it were. She went silent for a second and said, "She's saying something that sounds like "Ts" or "Je" or something like that." To which my eyes went wide and I said, "Cyganka". "Yes, that's it!" she says. That was the name that my Grandmother always called me. It means gypsy in polish. There is no way that Barb would have had that information. She has a polish background, but she doesn't speak polish. She told me a whole bunch of things about my Grandmother. Apparently Babcia was quite animated - as she tended to be in life as well. She's such a strong and loving woman. I just drank in all of the things that Barb was relating to me that my Grandmother was saying. Grandpa (Dziadek) was there as well. He was much more calm and collected in comparison to Babcia. I had tears streaming down my eyes during the whole interaction. When I was leaving, I gave Barb a hug. It was a bear hug like the ones that Grandma always gave me. Turns out she was being given a hug from behind with the same intensity by my grandmother. What a gift!

I went for another walkabout today. I walked about 10-12 km again today. My hips hurt after a while, but it still felt good. It was a beautiful 17 degrees out today and life was good. I ended up in an asian clothing store and actually walked out with some clothes that fit me. Apparently in China, I'm an XXXL. HA! I'm just glad that I found a couple of things that fit.

I ended up at the Cineplex tonight, just wanting to let my head shut off for a while. I ended up seeing "Control" which is about the life of Ian Whatshispickle from Joy Division. It was a cool movie until it stopped suddenly and all the lights came on in the theatre. I thought to myself that I'm cold and hungry and tired, so I'm going home. So I did. Kerri was home early so we got to chit chat and I gave her and her roommate some chocolate that I bought and some Egyptian Licorice tea. Mmmmm.

Tomorrow, I'm heading for an open-air market that's pretty much straight north from where I was just walking today. I'm going to take the Metro for the first time tomorrow. Should be interesting. If I can figure it out in NY, I'm sure that I can figure it out in Montreal.

I just can't get over the architecture here. I've been trying to shoot a lot of photos, but I only managed to get 50 iso film, and there seems to be so many interesting things but on the shadowy side of the street. Hmm. Oh well.

I leave Friday morning. It's felt like a really quick trip, but also a very long trip, I think because I'm doing so many things on my own. I can just take in the sights and enjoy them at a pace that I wish. It's nice, sometimes, not having anyone to negotiate with.